details

Yesterday, in my current searching, or as some might prefer.. midlife crisis… I went for a sexuality consultation.

I thought that I would spend my time talking about woohoo taboo sex I wanted to try, and all the things I fear expressing, like some desire for anal fisting, or more…

It was not about that. Nope. My erotic is so bland, my friends. And yet, it thrills me beyond belief to think of it.

I had the task of writing down my deepest desires–not sexual, mind you, but emotional. My very skilled sexuality counselor, whose name I want permission to reveal, took me on a journey that I hardly expected when I entered the doors of her Center. I started talking about.. well.. why? Why I was there?

I had come, because sex was always a problem. Wasn’t it? Was it for you? Were you slut shamed? I was. Oh yes, I was, and yet.. and yet, it was not about that.

She told me that the top three desires according to studies are: to be seen, to be craved, and to know that what we are doing is exciting to our partner. Really. Not blow jobs, after all. We desire authenticity and vulnerability. And I do, too.

I thought of this, in the context of all my recent wildness, and what more of that, to me, the intimacy I have found in it. I want my lover, so much. But I want the little things.

Oh god, I want his glasses on my nightstand when I roll over at 6am when the light stream into the bedroom. I want him to roll closer to me in the middle of the night, and grab me close to him, not out of desire, but out of instinct. I want to drink wine with him in the kitchen while I make us dinner. I want him to text me something funny he thought of in the middle of the day. I crave this simplicity so much, it moves me, and yet it seems so faraway and hard to ask for. This is my erotic. Really. This is what I want.

I think of this, sometimes, when I see people who have loved one another for years and years. They grab onto these things, these precious tangible bits of everyday life, as though they are gems. And they are, they truly are.

I want to fuck, but wild sex seems so easy, really. It may not be so obvious to the rest of the world, I guess. It freaks guys out to have a woman start to explore their asshole.. sometimes. But I would do that. I would spread my legs, and fuck a bunch of men mindlessly to turn you on. What turns me on is to watch you brush your teeth.

I wonder why, I do. I wonder why I feel so hot and bothered and horny beyond belief at these small, ordinary things.

And I know: it makes me feel safe to watch your tedium; it sets me free.

 

 

what is erotic?

I thought today I might die.

Long story short, I managed my way out of it, the burnt smell of brakes still permeating everything I am wearing.

Two weeks ago, I was in an emergency room.

Two months ago, I could not move.

And it has all made me think, what is erotic?

No, really!

What is erotic?

I thought of this as I yearned for the arm of my lover, wanted so much to feel his skin, his warmth.

I went last week to the museum, sat beneath Caucasian rugs on the leather chairs nestled in dark corners, so inviting. I wandered through the Chinese furniture, the scenes so beautifully recreated, the grace, the peace. Wandered through the Rembrandt etchings, the exquisite detail, and understanding, and I loved it, loved it all, loved the day, the glorious sunshine and breeze, the books, the perfume, the plum I picked up along the way.

And I dreamed of you, and the glory of life, and the erotic, yes, the fullness of it all, yes. I wanted you, here, wanted you so much, yes.

And yet, you are not here.

Oh, not here. And I wonder, then, of my words built in a boudoir, wonder, is this all there is?

Really?

It has always been more than the scene–the debauched thrill of the moment, the sensations of the flesh. No. For me, the erotic is always about the connection. And dare I say it? About love.

Where does this leave a dragonfly? I wonder sometimes. I have so rarely written lately, disillusioned by disappointment, perhaps. By loneliness. But perhaps most of all, by the opinion I hear all too often that erotic means always hot, always sex, always … something. I’m not sure what. But I hate feeling pigeonholed into a definition. Be more erotic. What does that mean? I ask again and again, because I am not sure I understand even myself. Is life not filled with the erotic?

When I started out here, I meant to write something free, something that captured what I could say in no other forum. Have I been a sanctuary for pleasure, for freedom? I hope so. But more than that, I wanted to escape boundaries, but sometimes it seems rather that I am just bound to new ones.

Lately, I want attachment. I want more, want still the freedom to be more, to love freely, but oh yes, to love. To admit love. To embrace it. To plunge wholeheartedly into it, no matter what, to grow from it. Mainstream. Maybe. But it seems too easy too assume that familiarity precludes the erotic. It seems to me that the biggest adventures may be in the everyday, and not only in attempts to escape it.

I remembered how preciously short life is today. It is a bit staggering to me to think of how badly all this might have turned out, the blood, the things I might have left unsaid in a mangled car. And I want you to embrace your lives, your love. Want more.  I want to hold you, sink my face into your imperfection, the acidic scent of your sweat, your strong arm wrapped round my head, my hair wild in the breeze, in your face. I want to shout, and curse, want you to quiet me, want the things that I do not deserve, that you do not deserve. I want your skin, want to laugh when I feel more like crying. I want to be loved… but more than that, I love, want to be freed to do it, to love. I already do, but cannot, But want. Ah, the erotic, the letting loose, the understanding. I want so much, want enough. I want to be tethered to love, enough to fly, and fly back to tell you all about it. Is that too much?

invitation

Your invitation has made me a bit nervous, that’s all, I say, as I sit in the booth at a quarter past five, glancing at my watch–you said 5:30, and I have come early, not because I meant to, but because I did not get lost. And now I am sitting here, alone, aware enough of your intentions, and mine.

I have seen the gleam in your eyes, mornings, your grey wool, my hair up and neat, and we rode the elevator to the sixth floor, where I get off, you farther up, I knew, I knew as you glanced over at me, day after day, the wordless wolf-like grin, teeth showing. Big bad, little red. I need you.

Strolling in, you seem so cool, the room is yours, the universe. Squeezing fast in next to me in the tall seats, not cool, no, you are not, your heat searing my cunt with a brush of your hand, my hand shaking as the waitress hands me my scotch, you your gin. It burns, your hand tight on my thigh, grasping, then soft, higher, sigh, your fingers push my short skirt still higher as you speak indecipherable words that I realize later were kind, ordinary, the string of my thong now wet and teasing,  tightwire. I might fall.

Ice in a glass, you ask, receive, reach for a cube, reach down, it melts as you trace patterns on my hot bare skin. “Here,” you hand a cube to me. “Put it in your cunt.”

I look, confused, at first, then determined, my fingers beneath my skirt, pushing aside the string of the thong, my fingers straight into the heat, my wet, the cube, melting quickly, my need multiplies. You continue to talk to me, tell me tales of the everyday, hold my hand, my wild eyes, wild desire, tomorrow, yes, I will, here, same time.

pop music

It was too loud and too dark and I had a glass or two too many to care if my skirt was too short or was riding up my ass as you said was so fucking hot last night.

The rhythm had me, you knew it, when you grabbed my hand and turned with me on the floor. Bones meet flesh, and your skin was solid, sculpted, sure, squeezing against me in the dark crowd, bass line driving, driving me home in my buzz, in your deliberate responses to my blatant desire, your questioning eye. “Yes?” I nodded back, and you pushed me roughly through the thick crowd, through the doors and into the night, music still pounding against the bricks in the alley beside, where you ripped down the buttons of my sweater, my bra, my nipple aching as you suck hard and I gasp yes, yes, I touch your pants, I feel your cock fill my hand. Your breath smokes in the cold air you sigh I pull your belt release unzip drop to my knees to take you taste you want you, your hand pushing my head, pulling my hair, my hands yanking my sodden panties down, off. Fuck my mouth, hard, fuck me, lift me, my skirt worked up my hips, heels digging into your back, bricks scratching my back. I kiss your mouth hard, hungry, the whiskey warm on my throat, lingering taste of your cock, your cock now gliding into my slick heat.

restrain me

I pull, in vain.

Expert knots, stopper knots, but you would let me free, I know. If I asked.

Or would you make me beg? I wish for this, for your desire to keep me here, at your disposal.

I wish for your desire itself, pure within the context of possibility.

I am here, love, open. I percolate. I wait.

Dark–no, light, still more light–in the au-delà, where you have always found me.

I wish.

I may.

I might.

resist me

Resisting you is futile.

I knew it then, that first smile, when you glanced at me across a crowded room, watched me cross my legs and watched me look down to straighten my skirt, then look up, to look at you, looking at me, you.

My words twist, convulse, as I lie back on a soft morning, my dressing slow and luxurious, as though I had nowhere in particular to go, though I am dressing to leave for the day. I have nowhere to go, I wish, but to fall back into bed, with you, your dream, you, not here, somehow here, soon here. Your voice drifts off as words turn to meaning. You know what I mean, exactly. You are here.

I wonder, at the time, daylight savings, time lost, time spent, time waiting, time I could say I devoted to you, to desire, to the mere wonder of a moment, lost, spent, awaited, devoted, desired, a moment. One more. That’s all.

 

 

 

once in a while

Waiting, wistful–no, wishful, willful, unwilling, willing perhaps in the window seat, I peek out at the shadows on the street, half expecting your innocent prance past the parked cars across, up the path.

I found your note tucked into the letter box, your invitation, I was here, meet me once more, tomorrow, noon. I am here.

I am here, black sheer stockings rolled up my shaved legs early in the day, garters catching the lace beneath the short skirt, someone saw, blushed, said nothing, carried on, then whispered, he’ll think of me.

Think of me, I know you would be with me, if… If days were longer, if we had the time, space, cherished moments, life itself, some other life. Days grow shorter in autumn, clearer, these blue moons so unusual, still another three years’ wait, I hear, so rare, so lovely, you could.

We could, you know. We could race up the stairs once again, and you could catch me, throw me to the bed and kiss me, yes. You could lay your head in my lap and close your eyes, drift off, then stretch high to lie beside me, hold me close, too close, so close. You could let me love you while you fuck me I fuck you you love me.

Or maybe you do, or did, or wanted to, or could have, or could never say, or never did, or did, or will, or perhaps it was simply fear, or desire, deferred.

To greet you here, love, noon, today, tomorrow, skin so sweet, so six a.m., so Saturday, so sleep, now, love, sleep.