end of a beautiful friendship

Oh, readers, I been absent for so long, I know. Not because I didn’t want to write, but because the source of my inspiration here was gone.

In the last month, our relationship has unraveled completely. After some degree of ranting, and ultimately, reacting to my point-blank question about whether he was seeing someone else, my lover threw out a few accusations to me, none true, nor do I even think he believed what he said to me. Projection, a good friend suggested. But no matter. He picked a fight, and I chose not to fight back. He is gone. I did not stop him.

In reality, I knew it was over almost two years ago, the day before my birthday, an intense day when I told him I loved him. All was flying high with us, I thought, but at the point of my dewy-eyed expression of long-time love, he could muster only that he had known for a long time how I felt. The days that followed were no celebration, but filled with his worry and dismay at my decision to confess feelings that I had hoped were mutual.

I told him then, a few weeks later, with coaxing from a sex therapist, how much I wanted the everyday small pleasures of life with him. He reacted with an anger I never before believed possible in him. His anger changed my love for him, made me sad, despondent, unsure of all we had experienced together. And  I could no longer write about him. Hence my long silence here.

Our relationship could go nowhere from there but down, and down down down it went. He stuck around, and so did I–foolishly. But he went from expressing admiration for what I had accomplished to pitying me for having had to rise from a very difficult place. In truth, I realized that he thought–perhaps always HAD thought–of me as a lesser person.

True enough that he helped me, many times quite generously. I would have helped him, too–could have. I was thankful, yes, and still am. For a long time, I took these gestures as words that he could not say, but evermore he spoke of me as a person he was trying to rescue, as though he could see nothing else in me but a breaking down house and a burden. He disappeared for stretches, but was angry when I didn’t ask him for help. And yet, he guarded his own needs so carefully… was sure never to put himself in the place of ever letting me help him. That hurt perhaps the worst. And yet, there was pain to come: I learned over the last few months outright about this, and that in fact, Lady Dragonfly was a creature much submerged that my lover had never been honest, that he has had many other lovers while he was with me. Oh, no, I care so little about flirtations, sex, but he lied and let me keep loving him. He took my trust, the best of me, and I ache to have that back. He knew of my dreams. Where I thought he was ignoring me, he was cataloging my desires, denying me. Left me to wonder why he could acknowledge her publicly but not me. But not tell me. Oh, oh, it is all so painful. And yet I think back… how delightful my submersion was, when I blindly believed in him…

In truth, I knew my lover had misgivings about loving me right from the start, no matter what his actual feelings might have been. In all that time, I assumed much, but the slap of reality made me doubt. He was not in a rather privately agreed-upon open marriage, but in an elaborate infidelity… I was unaware of it for a long time–only realized recently that the whole game was incredibly well played. But I should have trusted my gut instinct–never in my life had I stuck with someone who was unable to express his own love for me. And I was sick from it all, not myself once I stopped making up these stories. Oh I cherish what I thought I had, and the creative energy I enjoyed in making Lady Dragonfly, and my dreams.

In all of this, though, I realize that I had lost so much of myself long ago, a marriage that could not stand the tragedies of life, the things that may bring stronger couples closer… In our humanity, we sometimes know ourselves so well only in the difficult moments; we define our own strengths and beliefs more than ever in crisis. We also discover the power of love, and those whom we love, and who love us. The real tragedy, then, is often in the dissolution of our beliefs about our relationships, and the trust we have in them. It is usually no one’s fault in particular, but perhaps a difference in vision, faith… and how to cope with situations that some may never encounter in a lifetime.

and before… My marriage was obviously some attempt to recover my own long desire for my father to stop hurting me. After so many wonderful, openly affectionate boyfriends, why else would I have chosen the one man who drew me in, but could never dive into our love without jealousy and control? Damaged he was,  too, and I imagine we were both trying to repair our childhood pain, but I digress.

The lover you met here had shared life experiences with me that we recognized before we ever met. We had faced tragedies, with a parent, with a child. I thought that our common understanding united us in love, as well. Now I think we saw this all differently; I believe he sought a mere respite, an escape–and not a joining of souls.

As for me, I thought I had left the sorrow of my marriage behind, but I realize now that I had not recovered completely when I met my lover. I believed in my lover, but I had not yet uncovered my formerly unwavering self-confidence and ability to walk away when it was clear that he was not available to love me. In the process of letting go of my very appealing lover now, I have remembered at last how to hold onto who I am. I have felt calmer and more sure of myself now than I have in over twenty years.

I have a new creative project now. Eroticism will always matter to me, but my new work has a greater emphasis on truth and expansion of love and loving. Thank you all for all your love and attention here, and please drop me a line if you want to know where to find my creative energy next. I will leave the Lady Dragonfly blog here for now, if you care to read, and dream as I did. I truly did love my lover, completely and without reservation. I love also what he inspired in me.

mermaid voyage

The folks over at Go Deeper Press have wonderful news for you mermaids out there–mermaid, meaning anyone who is a woman or who identifies as a woman… and who wants to explore her own erotic self-awareness.

The Mermaid Voyage is a two-week course in erotic self-discovery. I have stolen their artwork above, and an audio sample of the first day and information about the course, are available here.

And while you are there, check out some of the marvelous offerings from this hot new publisher. Hot hot hot! (did I say hot?) and smart, to boot. I am reading through their Femme Fatale collection right now, and will have more to share as soon as I stop fanning myself.

Check back, as the review section of this blog will feature some of Go Deeper’s selections. So it is bound to begin with a bang.

So to speak.

In the meanwhile, enjoy your Mermaid Voyage. I know you will!

thoughts on life, and on groundhogs and their predictions

The new year came in with a series of deaths.

Death of a short-lived love, which might have bloomed, which never could.

Death of a friend, who long ago assembled a series of my writings and inserted them into something he called a web log, a blog–not this one, but the introduction to a new way of creating, for me. He saw a lot, lived a lot, and I loved to hear his stories, and his gentle urges for me to write, write more. His only request for this gift was that I should urge someone younger, when I am older. His generosity inspires me still.

Death, last of all, of my mother. I cannot say enough to do justice to her inspiration. She had many dreams in her life–grand ones!–and taught me the importance of living well, in so many ways, of loving well. She taught me, too, to dream.

I think of these dear moments, as snow falls gently here on a Sunday morning, snow that cannot decide if it might not rather be rain on this not-so-cold day, day that despite big storms and exertions of winter, may–as the groundhog promised– consider the possibility of spring not so long from now, days that repeat in all the splendor that this life brings us.

she was just 17…

If you do know what I mean, you have already taken a glimpse perhaps at the enormous undertaking of one Rori, at Between My Sheets. Every year, she reads through hundreds of blogs to select the top 100.

I am #17 on her Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2012 list! It is an enormous honor, and I am so happy!

That said, I realize it has been a little longer than usual since my last writing. Rori, and all the wonderful writers out there, you have inspired me to write more, write better, get hotter…

Thank you so much, Rori!

And thanks also to Cheeky Minx, who nominated me. Her fabulous Love Hate Sex Cake takes #4 on the list! Congrats, CM!!

no. 25

I like my little space here, protected in many ways from the world.

But of course, things can get boring here if we are always restricted to my own little boudoir and fantasies. And today, I learned that the one nomination I received from the lovely Cheeky Minx (#19!) resulted in me being chosen on Rori’s blog, Between My Sheets, as #25 on the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2011! What an honor!!

I love finding new, wonderful material, so please, look up all the fabulous selections.

  1. Guy New York (@quickiesnewyork) and The Dirty Gentleman from Quickies in New York
  2. Charlotte Times (@charlotte_times) from The Life and Charlotte Times
  3. Kendra Holliday (@TBK365 and @beautifulkind) from The Beautiful Kind
  4. Amie Wee (@crevicecanyon) from Crevice Canyon
  5. Riff Dog from Ashley and Me
  6. Catherine Toyooka (@Catcoaches) from Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator
  7. Vineyard Road (@vineyardroad) from Vineyard Road
  8. David (@DavidinVegas) from A View from the Top
  9. Quizzical Pussy (@quizzicalpussy) from Quizzical Pussy
  10. Athol Kay from Married Man Sex Life
  11. Dick and Jane from Dick-n-Jane
  12. EA (@easilyaroused) from Easily Aroused
  13. Axe (@unspeakableaxe) from Unspeakable Axe
  14. Joan Price (@JoanPrice) from Naked at Our Age – Better Than I Ever Expected
  15. Oatmeal Girl (@oatmeal_girl) from Submission & Metaphor
  16. Dark Gracie (@darkgracie) from Dark Gracie
  17. Mistress Lilyana (@MistressLilyana) from Mistress Lilyana
  18. Kyle Jones (@butchtastickyle) from Butchtastic
  19. Cheeky Minx (@LoveHateSexCake) from Love Hate Sex Cake
  20. Adam from The Mind of a Married Man
  21. Dr. Marty Klein (@drmartyklein) from Sexual Intelligence
  22. Lady Pandorah (@ladypandorah) from Lady Pandorah’s Sanctuary
  23. Holly (@pervocracy) from The Pervocracy
  24. Brooke from Puppy Tales
  25. Lady Dragonfly (@miladydragonfly) from Lady Dragonfly
  26. nilla (@swirlednilla) from Vanillamom’s Blog
  27. Wilhelmina Wang (@wilhelminawang) from Heartbreak Nymphomania
  28. Holden (@packingvocals) from Packing Vocals
  29. 25 Things from 25 Things About My Sexuality
  30. Thumper (@thumperMN) from Denying Thumber
  31. Kake (@poeticerotica) from Poetic Erotica
  32. Lucas (@top2bottom) from Top to Bottom
  33. Ms. Diane D from Bi and Large – Cuckolding with a Twist
  34. Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross (@dodsonandross) from Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross – Sex Information Online
  35. Kat from Prowling with Kat
  36. The Gentle Nibbles Writing Team (@gentlenibbles) from Gentle Nibbles
  37. Pandora (@pandorablake) from Spanked, Not Silenced
  38. Molly (@mollysdailykiss) from Molly’s Daily Kiss
  39. Vixen from Secrets of a Blue-Eyed Vixen
  40. DDD from Dick Dyke Dick
  41. Jade (@piecesofjade) from Pieces of Jade
  42. Jiz Lee (@jizlee) from Jiz Lee
  43. Sin from Finding My Submission
  44. Kris from The Phone Courtesan
  45. SapioSlut from SapioSlut
  46. Rockin’ (@RockinwithaCock) from Light Switch
  47. Rachael (@rabbitwhite) from Rachel Rabbit White
  48. Neo Dom Tom from A Bedroom Dom
  49. Daisy Danger (@daisydanger) from The True Life Sex Adventures of Daisy Danger
  50. Violet & Rye (@UCAppetites) from Uncommon Appetites
  51. Kaya from Under His Hand
  52. Lilith (@lilith9465) from Lilith Land
  53. Lady Grinning Soul (@LadyGrinSoul) from Lady Grinning Soul
  54. Septimus from Dirty Art by Septimus
  55. Roxy (@sroxy) from Uncommon Curiosity
  56. Anakin (@AnakinDarth) and Padme (@padmeamidala) from Journey to the Darkside
  57. Dr. Charlie Glickman (@charlieglickman) from Adult Sexuality Education
  58. Lily from theblackleatherbelt
  59. Arabella (@askarabella) from Bombshells & Rockstars
  60. SN from Peel It Off!
  61. Bre from Owned, Collared, Loved
  62. Adriana Ravenlust from Of Sex and Love
  63. Delilah (@definingdelilah) from Defining Delilah
  64. Arthur and Annabelle from Lust and Confused
  65. Lorelei (@suggestive) from Suggestive Tongue
  66. Kitty Stryker from PurrVersatility
  67. Mollena (@Mollena) from The Perverted Negress
  68. Naughty Lexi from Exploits of Lexi
  69. Karen Blue (@kissinbluekaren) from Kissing Blue Karen
  70. Arti (@ArtiAbsinthium) from Absinthe Cocktail
  71. Figleaf (@talkingfigleaf) from Real Adult Sex
  72. Miranda and Aarron from The Swingers Attic
  73. Blacksilk (@BlacksilkBlog) from Blacksilk’s Boudoir
  74. Violet (@violetscreaming) from Screaming Violet
  75. Ferns (@Ferns__) from Domme Chronicles
  76. SlipperyWhnWhet (@SlipperyWhnWhet) from A Slut’s Memoir
  77. Fruit Taster (@fruittaster) from Fruits of Libido
  78. Mrs. Discontented (@DiscontentedMrs) from Mrs. Discontented
  79. Aisha from Being Aisha
  80. Ruby Ryder from Pegging Paradise
  81. Chrystal Bougon from Better Sex Radio
  82. Lipstick Lori (@lipsticklori) from Rarely Wears Lipstick
  83. CarrieAnn (@CarrieAnn_) from A View from the Floor
  84. Dangerous Lilly (@dangerouslilly) from This Could Be Dangerous
  85. Electronic Doll (@electronic_doll) from Post Modern Sleaze
  86. Jerome from Let’s Talk About Sex
  87. Dusk (@dusk_in_chains) from Dusk (in chains)
  88. Innocent Loverboy (@innocentlb) from Innocent Loverboy
  89. RHS from The Redheaded Slut
  90. Violet Blue (@violetblue) from Tiny Nibbles
  91. Amy (@AnalAmy) from Anal Amy
  92. Curvaceous Dee (@curvaceousdee) from Curvaceous Dee
  93. Jason Stotts (@Jstotts) from Erosophia
  94. Mistress Kay (@mistress_kay) from Kinky World
  95. Viemoira from Cavern of the Beast
  96. Lucid (@lucidobsession) from Lucid Obsession
  97. ♀ & sss (@sweatshopsissy) from Sweat Shop Sissy
  98. Kat from She Makes the Rules
  99. Yummy from Sexual Adventures of a Married Woman
  100. YOU!

Thanks so much to everyone who enjoys reading all of us!

heroes

It could be that I am missing something, but I watched the news about the Penn State assistant football coach. Once more we are shocked, dismayed: another hero brought down. And then, George Stephanopoulos ended the story, shaking his head as he pondered how it could have gone on for so long?

Doesn’t he know? Really? Why are we even surprised at the Madoffs, the Cains, the abusive priests, the molesting coaches? Why are we surprised at all at anyone who betrays our trust? Stories like this come up often enough.

The vulnerable victims are so desperate for kindness.

Actually, we all are.

We all want to believe in something. In this: that there are people who deserve our admiration. We look for mentors. Maybe we need our heroes. At the very least, we need one another. There really are beautiful people in the world, many who care deeply and truly.

Sometimes we look at that “pillar” of society–yes, we place him, or her, or the institution on a pedestal, even worship them in certain ways.

No one wants to believe that the hero who seems so good in nearly every way could be capable of such cruelty, of such soul-robbing utter cruelty.

If we are that invested in the belief that appearances matter most, we are willing to defend the fantasy far past the time that reality tells us otherwise.

Yes, yes! Maybe the victims are the ones who are wrong!–much easier to believe that version, after all. Victims themselves often cannot believe past the fantasy. And if they believe in themselves at all, they are just suckers, right? Maybe they are not so much suckers as… human.

But what about the onlookers? the ones who watch, who see the truth?…  Sure enough, their beliefs are shattered, too.

But then again, perhaps they simply lack the courage to stand up to what is truly wrong right beneath their noses. They are not invested personally. Whistleblowing is so messy. Perhaps they fear the loss of their own comfort and safety, or perhaps they fear the loss of illusion itself.

But then, when they–we–know of injustices and do not speak up, we also become the illusion.

The supporters, the protectors…  in the end, we lose faith in them, as well.

And now, how devastating to realize that these stories of bullies may fail to shock. How indeed could this have gone on for so long?

It goes on in a place where bullies are allowed to maintain their power, where they are elected president, become judges in the highest courts, are appointed full professors, remain untaxed billionaires.

I hope that we all are outraged. I hope that we all find the courage when we see wrong not to turn away, not to mind our own business, not to stop caring. I hope that when we see wrong, we all will take a stand,  be uncomfortable, say no, believe in what really is right.