My recent trip to the UK sent me on a rather fitful trip down memory lane. Recent years have not been kind to me, I must admit, and my absence on these pages is only one symptom of the distress I have felt. Yes, my erotic adventures ceased entirely, my desire having waned in response to what I can only now identify as grief. Though a number of situations in my life went awry in this time, I believe now that my misfortune stemmed from my acknowledgement that I was not loved–a fact that I admit was not unknown to me for nearly the entire duration of my last relationship, but a fact that I nonetheless ignored until unavoidable truths smacked me squarely in the face.
I sank into a depression, the mere glance of an admirer enough to evoke feelings of despair and memories that I could scarcely admit to others. So I hid. I gained weight, which made this easier, and still I thwarted the advances of a fair number of potential lovers who seemed blithely attracted to a body that has frankly disgusted me–an outward manifestation of my inner turmoil. In the end, I was largely successful in my introversion, having quelled nearly all creative inclinations and social engagements. My work is a dull repetition, but I have managed to make headway on some goals that seem worthy of a woman of a certain age, and have reaped the benefits of this security. I let myself go in some good ways, too, in fur and plantings, sleep, and sun.
It was a fan of these pages who enabled my trip, and for this, I am ever thankful. It was not an erotic journey, but the trip was a reminder of the wonders I discovered while writing in the past, the love I felt, and the joy that the world still holds.
It has also given me the perspective to examine the events of recent years in a new light, and has sent me on a new trail of adventure, the details of which I intend to share with you here.
To my friend, I say thank you, and more. From the bottom of my heart, that deep well of confusion, lust, and warmth, I say thank you for the tea and friendship, warmth that relights my imagination and my spirit. You have reminded me of who I am.