up in the air so blue

I have begun to swing.

It has been actually about two months now, but it has been difficult to wrap my head around the many changes that happen so quickly in this world. It is only now that I am beginning to make some sense of it all.

It all started from stress–the sort of stress that makes a person shut down blogs and the like.

My lover had the notion that the way to alleviate my stress was to fuck my brains out. It is not a strategy that I opposed, so we set to doing that quite well. I believe we both have the imagination and the equipment and the attraction necessary to fuck our mutual brains into something that undoubtedly leaves a mushroom cloud in its wake. My, my. My lover is hot.

Both of us of kinky minds, though, the discussion soon turned to fantasy.

My fantasies include things like public sex, sex in museums (ahem), in gardens, on hiking trails. That, and marathon sessions of deep, penetrating, emotional sex. It is hardly taboo, that, but it feeds my soul. I want to go deep soul-blasting tantra; he wants to go out onto the big exchange, go public. I can barely sleep at the thought of it. Yes.

I want that, too.

It all started around exhibition. We quickly placed an ad on craigslist advertising some sort of mw4mw encounter, which I thought would involve same-room sex.

How things escalated from there!

From that, we ended up in a club of sorts, a rather intriguing sort of bed and breakfast turned sex swinger venue, complete with a nice nautical theme and warming trays of mostaccioli.

We ended up in a bed with several other couples, first fucking amongst ourselves, but soon swapping wildly and completely overwhelmed. Consensual? Yes, it absolutely was! But I was so entrenched in it, in a middle of a bed, hot, intrigued, the woman next to me moaning and squirting… I crawled from the bed at a certain point, and sat in a rocking chair (there honestly was one!) for long enough to collect my thoughts and my panties and run away.

It was fun, I thought, in retrospect. Dancing provocatively. talking freely. It was what I had always dreamed of, in a certain way. What was missing, though, was a connection to the people we had just fucked. We processed for a day, a week. And we continued.

The adventures included a number of responses to our ads, as well as joining a website devoted to swingers. We met several couples, and in the midst of it, I found some sort of liberation.

I also found my inner core. My intense love for my partner, which had existed for years unacknowledged, soared and became brave. I told him, and immediately felt vulnerable beyond any vulnerability I had allowed myself in years.

I was then jealous, jealous with the shenanigans of a woman who entered our universe, pulling so hard as to disrupt my momentary bliss of intimacy. I feared losing him, or myself, resented her games and her power plays. I wanted her ability to capture his thoughts. I wanted her uninhibited passion. I wanted so much that I can never have, not now, not when I actually give a damn about his feelings, and mine. I wished I could be her, for a moment, until I wanted myself back again. I could never be her. But.. I wonder.. is this what happens with the multitude of lovers? Do our senses become so dull from constant fucking and whatever else that we seek ever more sensation, no matter the consequences? I never want to be so numb. I never want to be so callous.

And yet..

I want so much more. This power, I do want, the power to move, the power to grow. I love talking, love the interactions of people, and bodies, and feelings. I love a couple we did meet, so smart, so sweet, so beautiful. I love the love, and devotion I see in the couples who come into this dance with some question, some desire for more, for more touch, for more emotion.

The vast majority of the couples we have met in this game have been long married. They love one another without question, and have ventured into a world in search of excitement. They are together. My world is a bit different, entering with a lover, and not a mate. I want to curl up in his arms at the end of the night and bask in the experience, but it is a rare occurrence. I crave this, as I have said so many times–I may exist just fine, but I do want it, crave it.

The everyday is my fantasy, so difficult it seems for me, in my life, to find what others yearn to escape. I don’t know exactly how to explain this.. but I think I was made to love this way, in simple ways, and then complex. Maybe we all are.

So why? Why enter a world that seems fraught with danger and disappointment?

I have asked myself this on numerous occasions. My partner is unbelievably attractive. I find him so, and yet I know now that it is not merely subjective: he is hot. He knows it now, more than ever. And me?

I am hot, perhaps, but smoldering. Not on fire. Or at least, I think this is true. The subtlety that may appeal in other situations goes largely unnoticed in a swinger’s club on a Saturday night–or I never notice if anyone notices. I still like to dance. And flirt. And God help us all if I have to fend off too many men I don’t like… It won’t be pretty.

But who knows? Maybe, as my lover flirts with the many women who will gravitate to his deep sexy voice and swagger, I will dance to Nelly for a little while, and then discuss Foucault in a darkened corner, examining the dynamics of power inherent in the wearing of high heels (and what is a high heel? says Barthes, perhaps, what does it mean?), or perhaps indulging my interest in 18th century epistolary novels, and polemics of de Sade in a Jean-Jacques world, and why we are here in the first place, thinking of more.

This talk, of course, would be just posturing, avoidance, protection. It would be some attempt to find solace in my mind, which feels sound and safe–some ground where I feel I have the upper hand. Power, once again.

What makes more sense, really, is mindless flirting, the ideal, then, the passion, the intense wish for freedom, and the wish that my lover would sweep in, at last, to pull me in at the end.

It is the happy ending. Maybe he’ll even stay the night.

 

ripe morning

My clit is like a ripe grape this morning, juicy fruit, pop, not a cherry, but the stuff of swollen dreams, slumbered screams scattered through the bedsheets.

I lie in bed, warm, spread my legs my pussy drenched I don’t remember. It must have been about you.

A pinch to my nipple sends shock waves through my belly, straight to my cunt, my core being. The first. Kindling. I want to be your come-slut.

In scene two, you have grabbed my feet and pulled me to the end of the bed, where you kneel and devour my pussy, fingers roughly responding to my greedy lust. Fuck my ass. Yes, just like that. exactly like that. precisely. like. that.

I knew you’d hold me down, make me open, keep me there, raw, ready, make me swell, squirm, surrender.

“You want to be used, my little naughty?”

Oh I do, a steady succession of cock, assorted shape, assorted size, assorted whimpers, moans, muffled cries, at last, it is loud, I know, and you are holding my hand here on earth..

Use me last, love, you, lust lucky me as you watch what you have created.

I wish you were here. You are here.

speed limit

It was posted there, on the  left side of my brain, the speed limit.

I have been playing life way too safe.

My first car was a 72 Chevelle, three on the tree manual. The guy who sold it to me took me to a parking lot and took a few turns around the parking lot to show me how to let up the clutch, smoothly, so I didn’t kill the engine. Then he left me there. “Drive it back,” he said. “If you like it, we’ll talk money.”

I liked it.

Girls don’t drive muscle cars. I got that concept quickly enough when I brought it home. But I loved the thrill of speed, the exhilarating rumble of a revved-up engine, ready for green. Go. Go, I got my tickets, not many, didn’t get caught so often or talked my way out of most things, no excuses, just temporary insanity of sorts, drunk, not on late night beer, but on the temptation of a clear road, clear night, a car poised next to me at the light, his accelerator pushed to the floor, my feet dancing that balance between the clutch, green, down first up, down second up, down, third up quickly, and yes, yes, I raced him, raced far past the 30 mph, not to the 80 spray-painted over it, but fast, so fast, until he passed me, or I passed him, sometimes, or one of us killed the engine losing it all in those careless early shifts. But more often we raced close, not sure winning was so much the point as being there, and free, and laughing as we soared out alone past the flat fields .

i have been playing life way too safe.

I forgot the thrill of the limits, living at the limits, or better, somewhere beyond them.  Not on automatic. Letting off the clutch. Shifting into high.

 

feu sans artifice

I walked back into the half-lit bedroom, the morning already swelling, fine linens wrinkled and damp from a night of quiet sweat. Yesterday I covered the windows with dark draperies, shield me from the heat, the invading sun.

It came, anyway, sweet irresistible summer, long longed for, in the ice barren hard ground, seems anything would be better than that bitter void, lone white world. It was, the ferns all green growing, thick, the Queen Anne’s lace, hard to tell the flowers from the weeds in this sort of place, hard to know until you see a real flower, a rose, a daisy.

Your skin still smolders, body inert so strange now so familiar in my bed, arms so powerful wilted now, fireworks forth, dreams took you, at last, I see.

The air is fresh outside, I know, breeze from the bathroom window cool in the early day, lawnmowers next door rousing me from my own slumber. But no, I barely slept.

It was not the heat, the hum, the long line of light streaming onto the floor from the edge of the window that awakened me, love. I waited for you, waited years, love, wait weeks now, habit of lust, your smile renewing my faith, for now.

You lie so still, no revelations, discreet charm disarmed me. Your arms, too strong not to let you, not to let you trace your lips down my face, my neck, my toes reaching to tease you, despite this, despite the suffocating heat, desire. Don’t. The thrill, the exhaustion of exertion, wanting. No, no, so much, too much, overwhelm me with green, groan. Oh I want this quiet so much, in the morning, you now, defenses gone, stripped bare, this kiss, tender, gentle, seeking, true.

spread

“Spread them open, baby. “

So I spread my legs a little wider, leaned back and sucked on my pearls.

“Like this?”

It is one of those evenings, when the day has been long, when the grass is hot and long, needs cutting, when I know you have poured me a glass of wine as my car pulls up, see you tucking in your shirt, standing straighter, trying to tame yourself quickly, trying not to let your prick betray you before I even get in the door.

You kiss me, that sort of kiss, you know, when you are pressing in to me, but trying not to ask for too much, trying to pull me away from the day and into the grass, but gently, a sip, a gentle hand through my hair first. Yes, yes, you love me, want to fuck me more right now.

You made dinner, I know, caught the herbs and wine as I walked up the path toward you, anticipating. My god, how lucky, how rare to be lusted after, fed well. How rare to be loved.

I wore the stockings, love, the garters, damned impractical, make me think fuck all day, make me think forever of you, of why, think all the way back here, think of your hum, your dazed anticipation when you kiss me, your hand hitting the fastener, your cock pressing into me, so hard, so big, I see it when I close my eyes, take another drink. You tip the glass toward my lips, and I look up at you, that glance you like, don’t mean to, look sideways at you then, turning, and slip off my shoes, slide back onto the couch, not like a lady, but like yours.

“Yes, just like that,” you say, stroking your cock now, biting your lip.

I have worn the silk blouse, the navy fitted blouse and the circle-patterned skirt. It was a public day, you know, my lingerie for you, though, slut I am, want, slick slit now betraying me, scent heady as the wine as you bow before me, lap at my pussy, swollen, it’s all swollen, ripe, wanting.

The clothes are irrelevant now, take them, rip them if your want, spread me, skin please me, please now.

new

Friends,

I have been a naughty blogger in recent months, my attention swayed from the here and now to the there and should be. I am back.

Resolutions (quite obvious, I am sure):

Love more. Seek adventure (more). Kick through the snow and dried leaves, and see what lies beneath.

Unbutton a coat. Just one button. Then another. Mmm. Come right in. I have missed you.

Happy New Year.

e[lust] 40


Photo courtesy of @iSlut_ of A Slut’s Memoir

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #41? Start with the newly updated rules, come back October 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates! I’d like to also direct your attention to a new Editor’s Letter that’s up.

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

The Bitch is BackThe temperature at the table drops several degrees. “Like that?,” I say. ”Is that what you want?”

On Women Who Like SexI like sex as much as any man I know. I am not a weirdo, I am not a slut, and I am not in any excessive danger.

Secret Secretary- There she was in the reception room on my couch, lying on her back, legs spread, skirt hiked up over her torso, her hands frantically feeling between her legs.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Street Harassment: It’s everywhere, all the time

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Thoughts: Regarding Limits In BDSM

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Begin rant
Communication Breakdown
Family Planning
Great Expectation
My Fantasy
Rituals, Symbolism, Kink, and of course ME

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

How You Know You Are On The Rag
Intersecting

Kink & Fetish

Anal Slut
Belted
Flogger Use and Safety from a Beginner
Janet’s Magical Toybag
Protest Much?
Property of Seven
Playing With Fire
Please
Tonight I am going to fuck your (slave) ass
The Long-Anticipated Gangbang Post
Welcome To The Club

Erotic Writing

Almost Broken
Alive
A Bad Habit
A Sinner Sits for Sacred Sunday Service
BBQ & Beer
Birthday Sex
Cap D’Agde -spit roast with a stranger
Dirty Talk
Lolita Twenty-Twelve, Part Five
Matched
Oral at a Sex Party
once in a while
Revelation
Random memories: First love
Saturday Morning Pussy
Stress Reliever – Lubed Fingers
The shopping assistant
The Sting of the Crop
You

happy hour

I am thinking of you.

I am thinking how fantastic you look now, your summer fit quite fitting my immediate needs to fuck, to be fucked, to feel your hands running beneath my skirt, and shirt, to feel your fabulous body next to mine.

Skin, I love your skin, hands on skin, so familiar, love your heat growing, grinding, love your hand roughly slapping me as I lie across your lap, naughty you, you so desired, so fucking hot, you so elusively not here right now, not groaning as I push your lovely dildo up your ass, as I take your balls gently into my mouth, oysters, so smooth, take your cock, so hard, how I could screw you silly right now.

Wet, you know I am, know I want you, know that happy hours are for weekdays and not weekends, though I wish, want, take a sip from life, from you, your come still filling my mouth, even now, or the thought of it, of you, thrashing, crashing into my warm cunt, satisfied, very, then, now wanting, wanting you back, here, sip, gulp, let me straddle you, toss my hair back, your kiss, my neck, share, again, now.

farm stand

The signs were written in chalk: tomatoes, swiss chard, basil, fresh corn. You drove past, and then stopped, pulled over, and pulled my sweater roughly toward you, your beard rubbing my face raw as you kissed my ear, then bit it, not quite gently, just the way I like it.

“You are such a slut.”

My panties were wet already, even before you started this, but in reality it was the fresh produce that had caught your attention. You let go of my top, and shifted the car into reverse, screeching the tires as you u-turned quickly from the side of the road, and worked up the dust and gravel turning into the neighborhood stand.

The peaches, watermelons, corn were stacked in baskets. You loaded them into yours, and walked on to the grain-fed beef–packaged and waiting for you in the freezer.

“We’ll have a feast, hon’,” you said, pulling my hand close as you headed to the cash register.

I looked at you, that leather hat pulled low on your head, the shadow of your beard on your dark, tanned skin, summer, you pulled your wallet from the back pocket of your jeans and handed two twenties to the teenage girl at the counter. School starts next week, she told you, blushing at the white of your teeth, the dimple in your cheeks when you smiled at her, then once more at me.

You kicked a pebble from the doorway, then lost it with the others in the path, dust around your feet as we walked through the dry parking lot, your car dusty, too, seats warm now in the sun, your hand behind my headrest as you back up , leaning toward the center, toward me, as I grab your hand then, and kiss it, lick it, your smile, your laugh as you pull your arm back to shift into first, second, third, then grab my knee, squeeze quickly before grabbing the steering wheel once more, bounty in the back, the wine, bread, cheese, apples, your beach towel, speedo, taut ass beneath it. Soon your legs are stretched long on the sand, a weekday, hooky.

I should never be here with you, like this, like this afternoon when you have pulled me from those unimportant things, those never mind things, those Friday tired things that I would not have done anyhow, anyway. You pull me close once more, run your hands down my back, down my backside, and reach beneath my skirt to pull my panties off, toss my bikini bottom to me.

“Make yourself decent!” you growl, then laugh as you roll back and I pull the swimsuit up beneath my skirt, then remove the skirt, and look around as I figure out the top. The beach is deserted now, after Labor Day, the lifeguard stand empty, canoes turned upside-down farther down. No one is here, water warm, your soft lips next to mine, hard cock pressing against my hip.

You loosen your grip, and I break free. “Catch me,” I shout. You might.

I look back, and you have turned onto your belly, laid your head down, a moment, two, then you jump up, run to the water, and I run farther, then dive beneath the surface, your hand grabbing my ankle in no time. You are faster, pull my foot, skin on your skin, your kisses hard, then soft, then biting.

Your teeth sink into my neck, belly tight as my heart quickens, relax, my limbs limp, cunt wet as you slowly let me go, rush of pain, want, your cock even harder now when I dig my nails into your back. Your fingers pull the side of my swimsuit, then reach beneath. Yes, I am wet. Yes, I want you, want you here.

The car is hot, now, surely, vegetables baking in the back seat, sand in the seats now as you drive quickly back to a quiet place, a new place, a shady place, a roadside, a back seat, my mouth, my hair, my swimsuit tossed to the ground, yours, no room, no matter. You pierce my cunt, so long, so needed, corn ripe, peaches oozing as you step on the one that fell from the bag. Your sweat is pungent now, arouses me as I push you up, back, sit on you, bounce harder as you cry out, pull me closer, shout once more, twice, rush of warmth, dripping, I cry, I want, have, stop, cannot bear your fingers now squeezing my nipples, not more, not now, not yet.

So calm now, so sweet to lie back, tan lines, no lines, no cares, to bite into a peach and see you lean into your hands, rub your eyes. Once more, I say, I would, want, will wait.

Chard,beside the grill, steak, rioja, garden hose, grow up, on second thought, don’t.